my crazy bipolar life 01. (as written on vangogh's white wall )

(crazy musings from my old bipolar journal, 2008)


accepting one’s real self is vital to one’s survival.
nature gave each one of us our own unique coping mechanism that once wego against it, most often than not, we will have difficulty surviving this world.



and so i agree.

today is june 6th 2009.

seven months since i wrote my last entry.
the course of my life has definitely took an amazing twists and turns.

HUGE.

after my birthday, weird things started to happen. dahil sa kagustuhan kong ma-control ang mood disorder ko, At dahil na rin sa kagustuhan kong mabigyan ng chance ang effectivity ng bipolar pills. i decided to take it again. unfortunately, i had one of my worst panic attacks.
nasa bakasyon ako sa isabela. bigla akong nagising isang gabi. para akong nalulunod. praning. "take note", i'm taking my prescribed medication.

nakakatakot ang pakiramdam, para akong mawawalan ng hininga. pakiramdam ko mamamatay na ako. sa totoo lang, at this point of time, diko na alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. dahil ba sa gamot? one thing is for sure, na-disrupt na yung aking nakasanayang body stimulus.

ang bipolar pills kase supposedly, binabawasan nya ang nararamdaman kong stimulus sa aking katawan. uhmmm.. yun stimilus ko kase sa katawan, masyadong hyper. as in hyper most of the time. kaya laging malikot ang pag-iisip ko.

Unquiet mind.

maya't maya, madampihan lang ng malamig na hangin ang aking katawan, na-a-arouse na ako. yup, you heard it right. hypersexual ako. lagi akong in heat. well, at least i need no longer to take ecstasy pills. haha.(though i haven't tried it yet).

truth is, yung hormones ko ang may problema.

Hormonal imbalance so to speak. Masyadong mataas ang dopamine and serotonin hormone levels sa aking katawan. (mga hormones that maintains our happy state, excitement - basta anything na upper feeling). ang problema sa aking personal na experience, dahil over sa taas nito sa aking katawan, sobrang madali akong mainis, mairita at madalas sa hindi - pikon!

sa totoo lang, ang sabi ng mga experto, delikado ang state na ito. tatlong states kase ang pwede mong puntahan kapag nag-above the normal state ka.

una yung hypomanic state (high ka, pero more or less, pwede kang nasa positive or productive state).

pangalawa, yung manic state naman. (destructive sya pag di na-control, yaikkz. At kapag nangyari yung tuluy-tuloy na shoot-up ng "high state" na ito, dito nagsisimulang mag-crashdown naman ang hormones na ito. ang resulta, negativity to the nth power - anger, hatred, low self-eesteem.

KABLAG!

Depression state ang ending. Ang sad noh?
but it can be definitely prevented naman either with medication or............ without. (take note: this is case to case basis).

sige try kong i-kwento sa inyo yung mga personal kong karanasan sa mga states na ito .


i was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. hallucination is part of it.

but believe it or not, as young as i remember, even before i started to wear my school uniform, I was already experiencing it. before, i thought "mumo" or ghosts were part of the real world. so every now and then, i would normally say, there's a "mumo" somewhere around or near or beside me. ganun lang. parang sixth sense. haha.

little did i know that these things weren't supposed to be real. Ha!
God knows how i struggled to fight my fear everytime i see a "mumo".

maybe if my playmates or yaya or my mommy is not afraid of "mumo" then i wouldn't have this fear towards it. and so, paulit-ulit. minsan araw-araw meron akong mumong nakikita. aaaaaaaaah...


Hmmmmmm... paano ko ba iisa-isahin ang aking mga kwento tungkol sa kanila.
(abangan ang karugtong)